Dead Inside
by WhatHappenedToMyHappyEnding
Summary: Trigger Warning: Implied Suicide I lie awake thinking. That's what the problem is. Thinking. I if I didn't think then I wouldn't know the whispers, the rejection. Maybe that's why he's so kind. He never seems to use his brain. The idiot would forget his head if it wasn't attached to his body. I never wanted to think. Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Oneshot


**Hey so warning, this is incredibly sad. I kind of felt horrible for writing it, but I wanted to post it anyway. This is my first post of hopefully many more to come. I am going to try to post on Friday, biweekly. Reviews are much appreciated.**

 **-LK**

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I lie awake thinking. That's what the problem is. Thinking. I if I didn't think then I wouldn't know the whispers, the rejection. Maybe that's why he's so kind. He never seems to use his brain. The idiot would forget his head if it wasn't attached to his body. I never wanted to think. I never wanted to feel, but it seems that the Fates have decided to make it almost impossible for me not to. Thinking is remembering. Oh, I remember all right. I remember the pain and the fear. Losing her, loving him, going there… There is nothing I detest more than my own memories. Hell, they aren't even all still there. I don't know anything anymore. Nightmares and reality have blurred beyond clarity.

Tartarus. The very word sends me reeling into a momentary state of panic. All I can see are the false faces telling me to end it, that there wasn't anything left for me. They showed me how weak I truly was and how they were better off without me. I remember the lies finally revealing the truth. They were flashing before my eyes showing me all of the thoughts locked well beneath the surface of those I thought I knew.

If that wasn't I watched it. I watched him fall. His eyes bore into mine and he made me promise to get him out. He asked me to lead and made me promise. It was almost laughable. History truly does repeat itself. I could see the same desperation and terror that I felt when I asked him to keep her safe, and we see how well that turned out. I'm not sure whether I was more scared for myself or him. I could feel the insanity clouding all rationality. The pit was still in my soul and I knew that if I let my guard down it would take over. I had to fight it and get to him.

When I was younger I had thought love was such a beautiful thing. I still did, that was until I actually met him. Then I learned to love was torture. Love was bending the will of another to get them to admit something or do something for you. Love was hatred, not kindness. Love was freezing and burning all at once. It didn't help that the Roman embodiment of leader watched me break down. He looked down at me with pity and slight disgust, not that I blame him.

He's safe. He's finally safe. I can't help, but feel overjoyed. The demons lurking in his eyes are ignored for a fleeting moment because he is safe. I barely have time to register that I succeeded until he sends me away. He claims it's important and that I was the only person who could do this task. With a bitter smile, I nod and leave. I was nothing but a convenience. I wasn't needed or wanted. Simply convenient.

I travel and travel and travel. I push myself to the brink of destruction for the sake of a camp where I first discovered the curse of my lineage. Always feared and hated. The rumors were more than enough to push me away forever. I almost wish I had faded into nothingness. When we arrived on the scene there was nothing but chaos. I could feel the life flowing from each and every demigod. Nausea washed over me and combined with fatigue. I couldn't help stumbling forward and falling to my knees. It went black.

When I was finally able to pull open my lead coated eyelids I saw flames. I saw the happy little repair boy crash his steel steed into the Earth Mothers form and the deadly light engulf the two. The lifelines drained away and it was over. The fight was over.

Morning. What a fitting name for the rising of the sun. It just sends a reminder to all those who've lost someone that yet another day has past. Lucky for me none of my loved ones died, but that didn't mean I didn't lose them. Hazel had Frank. All she talked about was Frank. She needs him more than anything, anyone. Love seems to do that to people. As for my other love, well he's just gone. Not dead, but not quite alive either. He hurts so much. It doesn't help that she left him. She had the most amazing person in the world, the one person who would give up anything to have her love him, and she just threw him away like a piece of garbage. I suppose this should make me happy, but it doesn't. I know he loves her. He'll never love me.

I guess this is the end. I never thought I would go out this way. My own stupidity brought me to this moment. The hope that he would accept me had been an illusion. The moment he found out who it truly am. The disgust in his voice makes me tremble. He raises his hand to slap me then slowly brings it back down, as if I was too gross for him to touch. He tells me to leave. To leave his life and never come back. They were right. The monsters, the tortures were right. I can feel the Fates' laughter reverberating through my body as waves of pain.

I am Nico di Angelo, Ghost King, son of Hades himself. This is the story of my misery and how I came to the decision to do this. I guess some people just write a simple note. I thought it was more appropriate for me to tell a story. To explain myself. Maybe, just maybe to warn my loved ones. So if you're reading this, Hazel, I love you. You are everything I could've hoped for in a sister. Frank, please take care of her. Do what I couldn't do. Jason Grace, I don't think I could thank you enough for keeping my secret. Please, try to be happy. Annabeth, I truly did look up to you. You are the most brilliant person I know. Try and love him for me, and if you can't be there for him when he needs you. Lastly, Perseus Jackson, try as I might, I still love you. Probably will even in death. I have one request of you and I understand if it is too hard for you to do, but I, at least, want you to try. Please remember me as I was not as I am. I hope that you're happy. I hope you find love, even if it couldn't be with me. I guess this is it. That's all I needed to say.

Goodbye.


End file.
